“My sister is staring down the barrel of sharing custody of her daughter,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Shedding that point together with her at the moment appears inconceivable to return to phrases with. It could be fantastic to listen to how others have discovered it — the challenges, the practicalities, and (particularly) the sudden joys.” A reader named Sarah then replied, “Oh my goodness, I’m dealing with this challenge myself and feeling so misplaced and heartbroken. Sure, please.”
So! We requested 9 divorced girls about life with joint custody — the great components, the robust components, and what stunned them. Listed below are their solutions (and when you’re up for sharing, we’d love to listen to your experiences, too)…
I noticed you don’t must be round 100% of the time to be a superb mother or father:
“I’ve my seven-year-old son for every week, then every week off. At first, I couldn’t think about being away from him for thus lengthy. However I had a couple of divorced buddies, they usually guided me by way of the grieving course of. One pal instructed me, ‘You may name me day or evening, and I’ll be there.’ Gestures like that have been my lifeline. Additionally, for the primary time since having my son, I’m experiencing roles outdoors of caretaking, like being a gift pal, a sister, and a 40-something-woman on the relationship scene. It’s a lot enjoyable. I used to suppose {that a} ‘good mom’ was together with her youngsters on a regular basis, however that’s not true. The fact is you generally is a current mother or father and make your baby really feel beloved and safe with out being with them 24/7.” — Emily
I discovered area to discover my queerness:
“We ‘nested’ for the primary yr — that means, our youngsters stayed within the residence, and my ex and I rented a one-bedroom down the road, the place we’d swap off staying when it wasn’t our time with the children. Leaving my youngsters — just like the precise act of leaving — that first weekend was so onerous. I cried onerous as I rolled my suitcase down the road. However these blocks of free time changed into moments the place I may discover my sexual id. Having each different weekend to discover this new aspect of myself, construct my queer group, and work alone therapeutic and progress was the most important silver lining. I additionally really feel so open with my youngsters, and we discuss all the pieces — parenting, divorce, sexuality, the world. I believe that as a result of they see me being my genuine self, they really feel like they are often their genuine selves, too.” — Lexi
I used to be alone in my home for the primary time, ever:
“My divorce got here after years of being a ‘married single mother or father.’ I labored full time and took on the majority of home and caretaking work. I had by no means been alone in my home EVER! Not even for an hour! So, that first weekend was magical. I slept in. I went for lengthy walks on my own. I ate no matter I needed (Thai curry) each time I needed (9 p.m.) wherever I needed (in mattress, alone)! My baseline for years had been overstimulated, overworked, all the time multitasking, all the time placing others first, and working from a shortage mindset when it got here to time. I’m truly shocked by how little disappointment has include my ‘off’ weekends. One other shock? Feeling nearer than ever to my youngsters, post-divorce. My partner and I weren’t aligned on parenting instincts or world views in any respect, so whereas it’s onerous realizing that they’re getting a really completely different expertise at dad’s home, I lastly get to mother or father how I all the time dreamed of parenting. This brings a lot pleasure and confidence to my position as a mother.” — Annie
I discovered how you can drive a tractor and grasp cabinets:
“There are occasions after I miss my youngsters, in fact, however I really feel alive in a approach I haven’t in years. I really like seeing my buddies extra typically and making an attempt new hobbies, like taking myself to karaoke! Additionally, my ex used to do all the home upkeep. Now, on my off days, I’ve discovered how you can drive a tractor, grasp cabinets, change a towel bar, and strain wash the surface of the home. It feels empowering to study new abilities. I’ve additionally been relieved to search out that despite not being round my youngsters 40% of the time, I really feel so, so near them. I’ve much more psychological and bodily vitality, and we do extra enjoyable actions collectively.” — Melinda, writer of Good day, Merciless World! and the publication Now What
My feminine friendships flourished:
“Actual speak: I assumed I used to be going to die the primary couple instances I didn’t have my daughter. I missed her a lot and felt gutted not being together with her daily. The grieving course of was wrenching. Through the years, I discovered that prioritizing friendship helped essentially the most. Girls are sometimes siloed in nuclear households. After my divorce, I used to be free to spend extra time with buddies — notably my finest pal, who has been a single mother from day one. This friendship has develop into crucial grownup relationship in my life. We’ve spent main holidays, holidays, and lengthy weekends along with our ladies. My daughter and I’ll drive to my pal’s home on a Thursday evening, the place we’ll repair dinner, put the children in entrance of a film, and stroll or lie in mattress and chat for hours. Our friendship has nourished me greater than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘particular person.’” — Claire
Mother serving to her son by way of a troublesome degree of Tremendous Mario Land, 1989.
I might be extra current with my youngsters as a result of I get breaks:
“One of many greatest points in our marriage was the unequal distribution of childcare labor, so after we divorced, I’ll admit, I truly beloved that my ex must share the time. I felt like ‘Lastly, he’ll understand how disruptive youngsters are to work life; lastly, he’ll really feel the ache of the two:55 p.m. pickup!’ Sure, it was an adjustment. However I had discovered motherhood all-consuming. Splitting custody made it really feel manageable. Additionally, now when my youngsters are with me, I’m extra current as a result of I do know it’s not endless. So, I can lock in and be with them, realizing a break is baked in.” — Cindy, writer of The Mom Lode
My worst fears didn’t come true:
“I pushed off divorce approach too lengthy due to the worry of break up custody. I’d play scenes in my head from movie and TV — like divorced moms crying at house with out their youngsters, questioning what their life had develop into. My youngsters are seven and 10, and I puzzled if I may hold it collectively till my youngsters turned 18. However then I noticed how far off ‘simply’ 10 extra years was. As quickly as we started shared custody, an enormous weight lifted. I noticed how a lot nervousness I’d been carrying — not simply because parenting calls for fell unequally on me, however as a result of I used to be spending a lot time ‘working’ on my marriage and being consumed by these imagined situations. As a substitute, the fact of shared custody is filled with aid, optimism, and time to reconnect with buddies, myself, artistic initiatives, group and activism. My youngsters now have a mannequin for what it appears wish to go towards the grain and create the life you need and wish — as a substitute of a mannequin of what it appears wish to robust it out for the sake of conforming to what we expect a household ought to seem like.” — Amanda, writer of Touched Out and the publication Mad Girlsand co-host of Dire Straights
I’m going on her college discipline journeys on my ‘off’ days:
“Despite the fact that we’ve been co-parenting for a decade, I nonetheless really feel the duality of loving and grieving my time with out my daughter. On my off days, I’ve develop into extra concerned in her college, like discipline journeys and extracurricular actions. We additionally gave her a telephone, so she may have autonomy between the homes to talk to the opposite mother or father, and I like that we are able to alternate little texts all week. One among our favourite issues is enjoying New York Instances video games each morning.” — Marie, writer of the publication Notes from Marie
Alone time turned the most effective components:
“To my shock, what I used to be most of afraid of turned out to be the most important perk of this 50/50 co-parenting arrange. I used to be afraid of the weekends the place I wouldn’t have the children. I assumed I might be depressing, sitting depressed in my residence. However whereas I do miss the children, I’m excited to have weekends to myself, to recharge, spend time with buddies or just sit on my sofa and browse. I had utterly forgotten what it felt wish to be simply me. It’s wonderful!” — Tina
Do you share joint custody of your youngsters? What has your expertise been? Any recommendation you’d share?
P.S. 5 issues that stunned me about divorce, and the script we used to speak to youngsters about divorce.
P.P.S. And, on Large Salad, what it felt wish to have intercourse for the primary time post-divorceand how have you learnt if it’s time to get divorced?
(Pictures, from prime, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)
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